Baked Beans

Baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat
lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was
apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go
through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down
and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before
leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
putt-putted. He putt-putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the
time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She
exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of
the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning
to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the
blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until
she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air
about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He
raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and
let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on
the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While
keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his
promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten
minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his
loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his
hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence
when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the
dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the
blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.